For Now

When I got home from my mission, it was crazy.
Crazy all around.
I didn't know what to do with myself, but I tried really hard to pretend like I did.
I saved a class or 2 for myself at BYU so I would have something to jump into.
I had no money, was a few pounds heavier then when I had left, and didn't have a place that felt like home.
I headed back up to Provo and was blessed to find a place to live with some old roommates that had an opening.
I finished up school and took a job in Salt Lake.
I made a new friend.
I started seeing an old boyfriend that I swore I wouldn't see anymore.
I had a new apt. and new roommates and was trying to feel at home in a life that did not feel like home at all. It was crazy. My sister called during this time and was pregnant.
I wanted to get away from this boy that was confusing me.
So, I packed up my truck and drove to Medford Oregon in the middle of the night and moved in with my sister and her family. I helped watch Jaden and Kyla while she was on bed rest.
I got a job at 24 hour fitness. I hate sales by the way. I tried out the singles ward.
I tried to make it feel like home. I still felt crazy.
I had a broken heart from this silly boy, and I still didn't feel like I had a place that felt like home.
After a few months I was talking to one of my mission companions.
She said some of the boys bought a house in Salt Lake and it had a little appartment on the back and she needed a roommate. Hmmmm. What would I do in Salt Lake? The inner granola girl in me came out and I decided to go to massage therapy school. SO not me. But I went with it. Got a loan, signed up for classes. I started in a few weeks.
So, I loaded up my truck and moved to Salt Lake. It was a new adventure. It kind of felt a little close to home.
I was with great people from my mission that I loved. I still felt a little crazy. This same girl that got me to move to Salt Lake introduced me to a boy. We liked each other and things were good. Surprisingly enough, I loved massage therapy school. It was full time and on the weekends and it was a challenge, but somehow it fit.
After 9 months of Salt Lake, Mission friends, falling in love, getting engaged, and finishing school, it was time for another adventure.
On our last day of school, we let the inner hippies out all the way. We had an experience that was cheesy and lovely and life changing. We were all given a small piece of paper with a word or saying on it. We were then to spread out in the room standing but not touching anyone. With the lights low, and our eyes closed, we waited. A few people at a time roamed the room whispering the word or saying they recieved in our ears. We took turns.
The whole reason for me telling this story is to get to this one moment. The words whispered in my ear were just what I needed. Right then.
They were:
"Right now, you are enough."
I cried in the dark with my hippie massage friends whom I had grown to love.
I went on to move to California, get a job, get married, live with the in-laws etc. Things still felt a bit crazy. But I was on my way to feeling like I was home.
I was talking to my mom this morning and was remarking on how 2009 will go down as one of the most difficult years for me thus far. It has been overwhelming emotionally and physically, spiritually and mentally.
But after I got off the phone with my mom, I remembered those words.
"Right now, you are enough."
I love those words.
Despite all the crazy, I am in a place that feels like home. It is home. And hopefully, right now, I am enough.