Yesterday Nate needed the car, so I was home, or stroller bound for the day. I took the kids up the big hill to the park in the morning and we played. At lunch time, we walked over to Mc D's and got some food. Then I though I'd walk around Ross to see if there were any killer Christmas deals. When we got to Ross and I started pushing the ridiculously heavy stroller on the shiny linoleum floors, I realized I hate that stroller. It is impossible to push on any smooth interior floor. It was great when the kids were small and well within the acceptable safe weight range for the stroller, but they are far passed that now, and I'm not going to buy another $600 double stroller. We left after 5 min of me looking like a drunk crack mom pushing her kids repeatedly into clothes racks. I cursed under my breath more then once. We made it down the long hill and back home. I got the kids down and then I felt like crap. I felt stuck.
You know the feeling when there are some pretty big concerns and responsibilities you have hanging over your head and you feel crushed by the pressure, and feel like there is so much to do, but it's either out of your control, or you don't know where to start. So, I wasted time on the computer. It brought no joy. And I felt doubly stuck because I was car-less for the rest of the day. From the time the kids were up from nap till the time I put them to bed was what seemed like the longest day of my life. I wanted someone to complain to, someone to fix the way I felt. I didn't pray then, no, I am to stubborn for that. I was mad and grouchy at the kids instead.
A few hours into the evening, Nate called with some completely frustrating news that just pushed me over the edge. Of course he wasn't there to let me complain to, he was in class. I didn't feel like there was anybody that could take this feeling away. So, I sat on the front steps and cried for a bit. Then I went inside and was mad and grouchy at the kids till bed time. I didn't even read or sing with them. I said the worlds shortest and heartless prayer with them, put them in bed and left. Then I took 2 benadryl. I figured I could sleep it off. Good coping method, I know.
This morning, I had a benadryl hang over. I didn't feel better, just another day with the same things crushing my chest. I prayed in the shower this morning. I asked for forgiveness for grouching at the kids the night before. I didn't know what else to pray for. I still don't. We have had a nice day though. I dropped Nate off this morning, so I was able to get out and about. That makes things easier I think. Takes my mind off things.
I secretly wish that I could get out of what I said I would do. I said yes. That's what we do. It wasn't him that asked, it was Him, right? We say yes to that. It is not going away anytime soon. I have to figure out how to handle it.
As for the other stuff, we are going to look at cars in the next few days, and pray the money will some how find it's way into the checking account when the time comes. Barf.
Don't you just wish you had parents who could take care of you sometimes when you don't want to deal with life.
At least there is this:

and this: